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SoSueMe’s Guide To The World Cup!!


Starting today, and for the next MONTH, you may be forced to watch a helluva lot more football than you normally have to put up with. This is because of a little event called the World Cup, a once-every-four-years thing which pits 32 teams of dudes from different countries against each other in a brutal sport, for the entertainment of the masses. It’s The Hunger Games but with more snacks and slightly less killing.

Even if you’re not in Brazil, where the tournament takes place,there is no escaping the World Cup. The best you can hope for is to try to fit in with the mob, and bluff your way through it with the minimum of fuss or attention. Naturally, SoSueMe has your back.


This year’s host Brazil is a very large country with very good footballers – having won the World Cup a record five times. Brazilian footballer Ronaldo also holds the record for most goals scored during World Cup tournaments, with 15. Naturally Brazil are favourites this year, with their key player being a guy called Neymar, or as you may know him, “that scruffy guy going out with supermodel Gabriella Lenzi”, pictured above. Dress yourself in lots of yellow and green and only mention Neymar and Oscar (another Brazilian player, looks about 14 years old, see below) and people will be suitably convinced you know your stuff.


Other teams in with a very good shout at winning are as follows, in order of likelihood; Argentina, Germany, Spain, Netherlands, Uruguay and Italy. Forget what any of your bessies in the UK might tell you, Stephen Gerrard (yes, we know he’s pretty) and his posse are NOT going to win the tournament. In all probability England will struggle to qualify from their group. Nod wisely after you have said this.


Some of the players you need to know so that you can randomly shout at TVs along with other people shouting at TVs are Messi (very technical player, wise nod), Aguero (gifted but carrying injuries, wise nod), Christiano Ronaldo (totes acceptable to just say he’s hot AND talented), Louis Suarez (bites people, dives, cheats, is still adored by fans) and Ozil (German, midfielder, looks like Dory from Finding Nemo – see below, wise nod).


At some point you may well be forced to actually watch football…with people. Try to ensure this happens later on in the competition, as the rules early on concerning who gets knocked out are frankly baffling. England or Brazil games are a particularly good choice. Everyone will be blind drunk and roaring or wailing continuously so you can blend in unnoticed. Your only contribution should be singing – the sort where you just shout vaguely in time, like at weddings.


Penalty shootouts are what happens when teams draw. These are actually much less boring than football itself, but a devastating way to exit the tournament. If this comes up, try not to look too interested. Practice your sad face instead, and save your cheers only for when those around you are celebrating.


If asked a completely incomprehensible question, ignore it, and remind people that the next World Cup will be in Russia, and what a mess they made of the Winter Olympics. Then feign hysterical laughter to cover your escape, OR declare that you’re too upset over Ireland not qualifying to talk about it. The second option makes you look passionate AND patriotic, so double rainbow all the way on that one.

If you’re really, completely floundering, and want to impress someone about your “knowledge” of football, sneakily download an App that you can bombard people with statistics from. The official World Cup App has everything you need, but ESPN’s is better for people who literally know nothing; it’s made by Americans, who understand football about as well as you understand why all the men in your life are crying as men in shorts kick a ball around for 90 min.


(images and source – Huffpost, FIFA, Sportal)


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